What's My Line?

Oh, where do I start.

Alright, we'll go with the bad stuff first, that way it doesn't seem like I am complaining the whole time. First off, my family sucks. I'm kind of at an impasse and I'm not sure as to what step to make next, let alone whether or not I should take a step in the first place. Shall I elaborate?

This is all connected to my grandma's behavior as of late and the way my mom thinks I should do. Basically not only the old family favorite motto of "grin and bare it" but even take it to the next level of pretending all as well. It's all about appearances in my family. Screw it if we don't have the closest relationship, if it at least looks close enough the ones supposedly in charge are appeased. My grandma believes we have this close knit family. Is that why I haven't talked to either of my cousins in probably over ten years?

My mom is pushing the issue of writing my grandma yet another thank you note for her less the relaxing hospitality during vacation (i.e. us running from the house ever chance we got, escape was our only option) something that I have already done in person none the less, but apparently not to anyone's satisfaction. Not only that now I am supposed to start writing monthly letters to my grandmother, something I can't say I have ever done in my lifetime. What am I supposed to tell her? We don't have enough polite bullshit to do a yearly Christmas update, so what the hell am I supposed to fluff these letters with?

"Yeah grandma, I ignored your call again today because it was five in the evening and I know how you love those martinis. Oh yeah, the weed we are getting has been pretty decent, kind of pricey but good stuff. It rained again today but then again I know how you hate hearing about that, if it's not sunny it's not worth it. I talked to ____ (Gidgit) yesterday, oh shit, now you're pissed."

Please.

All this is doing is making me resent the maternal influences in my life. My mom is concerned with my relationship with my grandma, my grandma is concerned with the relationship with my mother and all and all, I just don't think it should have to be this difficult or filled with so much resentment and spite and falsified feelings and words. What is so fucking wrong with it just being what it is?

I called my mom the other day because one of my MySpace friends had posted a couple pictures of her mom, a once friend and now enemy of my mom and I wanted to let her know I had sent her the pictures so she would actually check her email. Once that topic had outlived it's usefulness to her she asked me again if I had sent grandma a thank you note. I said no, again that I already had given her one while we were there. Again, that's not good enough. I asked her when the last time she sent a damn thank you note to grandma and she said right after Christmas. I've sent several since then for various reasons. Again, that's not good enough. I was getting upset on the phone so of course my mom said she had to go. Avoidance, a good family coping mechanism.

Yesterday morning I turn on the computer to find an email from my mom. This woman apologizes the same way she gives compliments. "I'm sorry, but..." "It's good, but..." She's sorry for upsetting me, but she's right and I'm wrong. She said grandma doesn't know what she's saying. Bullshit. She knows exactly what she's saying and how she's saying it. She may be turning 80 next year but she hasn't lost her grasp on things. My mom said we have to keep her happy. She also said we owe her for helping us out when I was little. (On a side note, when I ask my mom for help, financially or other, she says no. I ask her about the help grandma gave her, she says she never asked for it. I stopped asking. I still haven't gotten help. Damn double standards)

All this is doing is making me want to separate myself from the situation. In that email from my mom she said that twenty years from now we don't want to regret now. Exactly my point. I don't remember the final time I have with my grandma to be filled with fake sentiments and repressed anger. We may not have the best relationship but I love her and I will always be thankful for her for being the other half of my life when I was little. Isn't that better then hating what we are on the fast pace to becoming? I don't want to remember this time as the moment that I pushed away from my mom either. She doesn't seem to want to better what little relationship we have, instead she'd rather focus her energy on faking the relationship we both don't have with my grandma. All she is doing is establishing the same kind of relationship she has with her own mother. One of obligation and appearances.

Gidgit sees it. She warned my mom. It fell on deaf ears. Gidgit is my rock in this situation. She gets it better then anyone else possibly could because she has known my mom and grandma for over forty years. She's seeing the pattern, even as I tumble into it unknowingly. A thousand miles away and I am feeling closer to her then to my mom who only resides five miles up the road. Gidgit is always the one to call me, but I think I may end up calling her this time.

Moving on (more because the hubby is getting restless watching me type from across the room then anything else) we still haven't heard from Li'l Mama. Oh well, I guess. Can't say I have technically seen even in the last couple weeks, funny considering we are next door neighbors.

Also, if I have to listen to Ketchup say "Ha ha, my bad" one more friggin' time, instead of fixing whatever the "bad" was, I am going to start ripping my hair out. Not only does he continue to do some of those oh so irritating things that I have mentioned here before, but he has picked up a few new questionable habits. Like putting his cologne on in the kitchen. Wow. It takes a few minutes for the cloud to disburse. Also, I gave him a nice neat little place to keep his shoes considering one of the cats occasionally likes to pee on or near shoes to prove a point, and all of a sudden he can't be bothered to put his shoes away. Their new home is right next to his spot next to the coffee table. On my carpet. Shoes reeking of grease and food. Come on. He knows this one. We said it to him again. His shoes are still there. Ugh.

On to the lighter side, the good side so to speak. Our Monday bar night went well. We had probably a dozen people there, even Tall decided to take time out of his busy schedule. We managed to snag the last two open pool tables and span across three booths with our whole group. Pretty nice turn out if you ask me. Pictures have been posted on my other blog, just so you know. After a few hours of boozing it up and a slightly too expensive meal we headed back to the apartment for the two things we couldn't find at the bar. Weed and Guitar Hero. Everyone was feeling pretty good, bowls were loaded, more drinks were made.

I appealed to a familiar side of Tall about Sassy, saying that we in fact don't hate her despite what she thinks. Sounds like some of her opinion was based on the fact that we had taken her off our MySpace top friends (something we had actually done well before their last split) she however neglected to notice that we switched up all of our friends list, removing half of the people, not just her. She's nineteen. What can I say? Tall said she'd talk to her. (Part of the purpose in this venture was because we have a pretty good hunch that the reason Tall hadn't been by is because he and Sassy had reunited, something we don't have a problem with if they are happy.)

He actually ended up inviting her over. The pictures on my other blog prove it. In a way it was like old times. I'll admit it, I've missed her. Like I have stated before, I don't have many female friends, which is probably why I find myself reaching out to Prissy as well, even though she doesn't live here in the building anymore. Sassy even took a bong hit while she was here, which probably means the first inkling of her bad mouthing stoners and I will want to throttle her again but oh well. There's something to be said for familiarity.

A Nerf dart gun war was probably the peak of the evening. Dodging those little foam and suction cup darts in an over crowded living room was quite entertaining. Luckily I was only caught in the crossfire once and I ended up ransoming the dart to the highest bidder. The best part is when our little punk rocker friend decided to use me as a diving board in route to the hubby. Granted I could probably lift this little guy over my head and give him a twirl so it wasn't as much as an inconvenience as you could have expected, but it did make paying attention to Tall playing Guitar Hero an interesting test. Our little punk rocker friend dominated the war, confiscating guns and stashing them in strategic locations in the art of battle until it was finally time to go home.

After that we spent the rest of the evening winding down in a video chat with an XBox buddy as people whittled away along with the time. All and all it was a good evening though I kind of wonder if we will see any of these people again before next Monday. Maybe I shouldn't ask for too much but you know, I haven't necessarily been satisfied with the state of my life recently and could use an upswing in things.

For now, I had better go. I started this post over two and a half hours ago (with the occasional break for a drink, cigarette or bowl) and the hubby is getting increasingly restless with my neglect. I'll be back as soon as something or another happens, ha!