The Fool: Chewed Up and Spit Out

I keep finding out that there was more. It was happening right in front of my face. I didn't see it, though friends of ours did. It's the whole reason Tall and Sassy stopped coming by even. God my heart hurts. I defended him. I lost friends because of him. He promised he wouldn't make a fool of me because of her. I even had joked that I would rather him cheat on me with anyone but her. Here I am, the fool.

I can't even tell when I am drunk anymore. My last drink was roughly around two in the morning but I'm still spinning. I'm so exhausted but the only time I can really sleep is when I pass out from the alcohol, any other time I try I just lay there for hours with my eyes closed feeling my heartbeat pound through every part of my body. I've made myself sick over this, pneumonia will become a threat here soon if I'm not careful.

I couldn't take him back right now if I tried. I know I deserve better then everything he's doing to me now, for the past nine years, I deserve better.

But I am petrified now. I'm a housewife, haven't had a job in five years, he is my sole provider and come payday when I handed over five hundred dollars for rent, he begrudgingly threw a fifty dollar bill my way. He said his only legal obligation was to the apartment, not to me. I basically don't deserve more because of what he has already given me. He even accused me of not letting me get his stuff, something he has never asked to do.

Even after ending it, he said he'd always be there for me and that he loves me and never wants to lose contact, but now he's being mean. Cruel for the sake of trying to make himself feel better. It's making me scared. Tomorrow are his days off, is he going to show up and start taking things? Things I don't want him to take? Things I feel he has no right to take? He walked out, doesn't that mean that he pretty much gets what I let him take?

I have to call legal assistance tomorrow. God this is hard. His ring is on his keychain and I can't bring myself to take it off. It really shows a lot.

My saving grace is my friends, ones that I thought were mainly his, new friends who's hearts reach out to me and old friends that I never thought I'd see again but I find myself looking for because they were part of my life before him.

I just wish I wasn't so scared, of what to do, of what is going to happen. I wish someone could take these next few steps for me. I wish I felt stronger.