In Stasis

Ever feel like you aren't accomplishing anything? Even minor little things?

For example: We kind of decided it was time to actually part with the money and buy a new game for the XBox 360. We had been looking around online at prices and options and narrowed it down to two choices, Guitar Hero III or Grand Theft Auto IV. I wanted to check out our local stores first, always preferring to buy items somewhere easy to return them. Turns out, online was a much cheaper option so I tell the hubby that when we get home I will look things up again and we will decide what to do. Peachy keen, right? After we get home, I do just that, look up the prices again and even looked up the phone number so we could check the price at one last place up near the mall. Online was still better. So here I am sitting with the clicker over the "Buy Now" button and I can't get any sort of conformation from the hubby, a lot of "whatever you want" stuff that irritates me my indecisive self. I end up abandoning the computer for a while and try to prod a little of those decision making skills to no avail. Not only would he not settle on which game he wanted, but he seemed to loose interest in the whole venture. I asked him flat out if he wanted to get a game. He said yes, but he thought I wanted to wait for some reason. Blink. Okay, well... first step, ask Ketchup if he still wants to go halves, because that will impact our decision as to what game to get. So he does this finally, something that could have been done at any time, yes Ketchup still wants to go halves. Alright, so we picked which game. Are we sure? Do we want to get it? Yeah, I guess. Sigh. Whatever. "Buy Now." Guitar Hero III should be here tomorrow.

This... routine... could easily be applied to many other scenarios. Something needs to happen, but it seems like it never does. Like moving. We are just waiting. For what? A place to fall into our laps? We haven't even bothered to call anywhere in quite some time, how is that making progress? Instead of moving we are paying yet another months rent for a place that is no longer worth the money or the effort. I want the perfect place, but I am sure as hell not going to get it by just the occasional browse through the CraigsList classifieds. Everything is too expensive or is seriously lacking a major feature such as laundry facilities. We need to go out and look again, and call those places that don't bother to advertise.

Even putting the phone numbers in front of the hubby doesn't seem to work. (He's much better on the phone then I am.) A creditor decided after seven years that I owed money and started calling. The issue could either be dissolved or at least diminished with one call. The number is right here. They call nearly every day now. I don't know how to handle it, the hubby said he would. It's been well over a month.

We are in a holding pattern, with everything. With moving, with Ketchup, with life. I'm always waiting. Even my days seem to consist of mainly that. Waiting for the hubby to get home. Waiting for Ketchup to leave. Waiting to drink. Waiting to go to bed. Waiting to get up. Failing to wait for that next cigarette.

Should I blame myself for not having the will, drive or the confidence to do or change these things, or do I blame him for his disregard or laziness? He doesn't get it. He goes off to work every day, sees people, does something. My life as a housewife has been shattered by the constant companionship of Ketchup and the lack of visits from people we call friends. I am just a jobless, lazy bitch now. I don't feel productive. Probably because I'm not. I haven't even baked recently, it's too hot. The only thing that seems to be improving is my XBox 360 gamerscore, which besides bragging rights, does nothing for me.

I have plenty of half assed excuses to not get a job. First off being that I'd have to find one within walking distance and if we move soon, that walking distance could drastically change. Second being I'd have to have a compatible schedule with the hubby. We've tried the opposing schedule thing and it didn't work, him working graveyard was actually what encouraged my housewife status. I could go on but I would probably bore you.

In stasis. A constant state of waiting. Am I happy? Over all, mostly, the basics I wouldn't change. Am I satisfied? I don't think so, I think the surface needs a lot of work. Do I know how to fix it? No. And if I did, what would I end up doing? Probably wait.

This sucks.