Playing Mama Bear

How did I get this job? It's not to say I mind it all that much... at times, but I certainly didn't ask for it and I am far from well trained, or better yet, far from qualified. I think it's an inherent quality from my mom that I just haven't been able to fight hard enough against.

My life is boring, it really is, probably always has been. I don't have a mass of life experience. I was raised relatively sheltered and can hardly be considered book smart, let alone street smart. My knowledge comes from observation. Not only am I a born people watcher but I had no better babysitter then television. I see experiences I've never had and apply my own logic. What would I do? How would I react? What are the better ways to handle this hypothetical situation that I have never been in and probably never will? Even my hubby and I have had long conversations based on what if's that have squeaked by our unconscious minds while watching an old rerun episode of Roseanne.

My advice is not fact. It's not some guide book that I am secretly writing with aspirations of releasing it onto the unknowing public as a know all-tell all about the intricate in's and out's of the human mind. One psychology class and one sociology class in high school make me nothing more then a student of the people, not a teacher of the masses. I can't even take my own advice most of the time, let that be a lesson to you.

I see a problem, or am asked about a problem, and I use all that pointless information stored within my busy head to say something that applies. I am not pulling a rabbit out of a hat, just sharing my multimedia induced insights. I know quite well that what I say (or what I may think) may not work or even apply to every situation. Everyone is different, for better or worse. From the outside looking in, it's always easier, no matter what "it" is. Life should be easier, forgive me for trying to help it along.

Is it cliche to say you care too much? It probably is but I will run with it anyway. Take my relationship with Li'l Mama for example. Like every other nineteen year old girl I have encountered, she'd ask my advice, I'd tell her what I thought, and she believed I was telling her what to do. I hate that. I have no right to tell anyone what to do, why would I start with her? Anyway, our friendship crumbled in part to this. She felt this way and didn't tell me until it blew up, literally. Since then, there have been a few efforts on both sides made, but nothing substantial or effective. Really, I have been avoiding her. Why? I don't want to be in that place again with her. I feel like a dog begging for a treat every time she sends a smile and "hi" my way, because I get that little urge to be her friend again. At the same time, I don't want the disappointment again, of her shutting me out and turning on me. I loved her daughter since before she was born but that dreams of me being the auntie neighbor were dashed as quickly as they formed. I don't want to do it again, and since I can't stop that part of me from proverbially falling, I avoid her. Now back to my point, despite all this, I still care about her. If she needed help, I'd probably be there. I see things she does and it makes me sad some times to know I can't do or say anything.

Same thing with Sassy, though it seems she is thoroughly done with me, and Prissy who I find myself missing dearly since she moved away from the building. I don't mean to play mama bear, but I do. I care about these girls. I want them to realize life doesn't have to be so dramatic. I want them to have fun but not regret their actions. I want them to be safe. Mostly I want them to be happy. I want all this for most people, especially the people I love.

Boys don't easily accept this "treatment" either, but then again, they felt comfortable enough coming to me in the first place so I guess that's something, right? Our Bum would most likely never say it and probably never complain to me about it, but I know I get a little overly mama bear on him. The drinking, the drugs, the bad relationship, the jail time, the warrants, the hospital stays, put together with the diabetes and the fact that he lived on our couch for a year, can you really blame me? I want my kids to have their uncle Bum around dammit. Sue me for caring, it's kind of a hard thing to turn off.

People will make their own choices, own decisions. I certainly have no problem with that. I wouldn't want someone dictating my life any more then anyone else would. I even hold my tongue if or when that "I told you so" moment comes. Sometimes people take a longer road to get to the same place or a different place all together, and sometimes it's the only way they can do it. I would never punish them for that. Do I really have to be punished for caring about them though?

On a related note, we still haven't heard from Tall.

I've been trying not to play mama bear to Ketchup (with his heart, can you blame me?) but the struggle to deny that as well as bitch mode has been getting tiresome. Ketchup does something, I get irritated and not say anything, I try to get the hubby to say something and when he never does and Ketchup does what ever irritated me again, I get more irritated, but hell, he didn't know so I can't get mad at him, the hubby just forgot so I can't blame him, so I guess that leaves me holding the bag just because I was trying to avoid playing mama bear or queen bitch. Then there are the times that Ketchup has been told repeatedly about something and still can't retain it, that's all queen bitch's territory.

My dear doppelganger, tell me if I ever cross a line. I would never mean to tell you how to run your life or anything within it. When you're hurt, I want to be there for you. When your happy, I want to be happy right there with you too. That's all it ever is, please never feel as if it's more. I may have control issues, but those are thoroughly and strategically placed throughout my own life, not in anyone else's. Hearts and hugs to you my dear.

So what it comes down to is, do I stop? And if I do, how do I do it? Is there a switch somewhere that everyone neglected to mention? Some magical way to make it easier to just keep my mouth shut or change my tone or fix whatever it is that seems to be so much of a problem? Or do I continue to give advice when asked and let those same people dislike me for it? Continue to sound like a blowhard giving advice about things that I know little to nothing about because I think what's in my head sounds good and logical? Is it interfering? Is it invasive? Why has it been taken so offensively? Why can a suggestion be so harmful, especially when it's asked for?

My chosen family is so hard to hold together, but honestly a lot of the time I need them more then I need my real family. I am always good with my hubby by my side, of course no complaints there, but they- our friends, are who I need to not feel so lonely sometimes. Why do I feel so lonely? I feel like my kids have left the nest without looking back, full of either resent or just plain not needing me anymore. This feeling will pass, it usually does (this isn't the first time of course) however it would be nice not to suffer within the lulls of social inactivity. I do it to myself, no one but myself to blame for that one really.

If only accepting blame fixed things. Life would be grand, I blame myself constantly for things.

Silly, I know.