Investment

So I am ready for a little recognition here. Hello! I'm here! What I say DOES matter!

Well, that was pointless. They didn't hear me even though I feel like I am screaming it. I hate feeling like a guest in my own home. So ineffectual. I can whine and bitch all I want but in the end I can't really change a damn thing. Is it too much to ask Ketchup to lock the door when he comes and goes? Is it too much to ask for him to stop putting the ashtray on my hard to clean coasters? Is it too much for me to ask for a spot on my own couch? Is it too much to ask to not screw with the showerhead because every time he does the bathroom door gets sprayed with water? Is it bad to want a drink this early in the morning?

And the hubby says "I'll talk to him later" and it's the last I hear. Apparently it is too much to ask.

I woke up to the hubby's snoring this morning, no wait, let me rephrase that, I was woken up by my hubby's snoring this morning. I love feeling bad for asking him to roll over. (That was sarcasm just so you know.) Ketchup was playing video games instead of sleeping (as usual) so I made my way into the living room. The living room, it doesn't seem to be my living room anymore, if it was, I'd probably be sitting in my own spot more often. It was either that or continue to listen to what can only be considered an uncomfortable volume of snoring. At least with this option I was able to boot up the computer and be here.

I'm lost and really not too sure how to find my way back. Every day just seems like I'm just waiting for the next day, even though nothing changes. I still feel bad, the hubby still asks me what's wrong, even though that too hasn't changed. Any sense of routine I had is gone, but then again, why does it matter? I'm just the housewife. I have no job I have to sleep for, no kids I have to recover from, just a lack of purpose and a bunch of girly hormones that make me take it to heart and keep it there. If I was a guy, I don't think I would be having this problem, at least not this bad.

The hubby says guys don't invest as much emotionally in friendships as women do, and while they are rarely rewarded for the good things, the bad things never hurt as much either. I invest. Like throwing all my money into a pyramid scheme, I invest. I find a new friend, we're close, we connect, I pour my heart out as they pour theirs. Then I am reminded why I shouldn't invest. My feelings or ego gets bruised and I'm left wondering why I put myself out there in the first place. However, it's a sad thought to want to change, to just close off and not let it affect me, how do you not miss out on the good that way? It's a risk either way. A risk to put myself out there or to not and risk missing it all. I'm not a risk taker, you know that, what am I left to do?

Speaking of risks, I spent some time yesterday looking at J, K and M's MySpace pages (the girls from the post "Can Preppy Girls Mosh?") M's is private, so not much to learn there, however for the hell of it, I Googled her, imagine my surprise when it actually came up with something about her work with a bird sanctuary. J is already a MySpace friend and with a lack of a computer there is rarely anything new, I miss her though. K however is a relatively open book and I have to say it's an interesting read. Again I pondered the idea of friend requesting K and M but unfortunately I still found the risk too strong. We had ended things badly and while I miss them in a way, in another way I don't. I was healthier without them and to this day I don't know if I am strong enough to deal with them again.

I feel myself lacking friends, maybe that's why I browsed their pages yesterday. Longing for the past without actually resorting to going there feels like a safe way to go. Tall didn't get UNO by the way, or maybe he did, who knows, he hasn't actually spoken to us. Again with that investment. I know I'm the one who put myself there, in a place where I let the small petty things hurt. I know there is very little point to it. I also know I can't seem to pull myself out of it. Sucks, huh?

That's enough of my whining for now, because as usual it's getting me nowhere except perhaps leading me in circles and I'm dizzy enough thank you. Here's to the hope that my pessimistic attitude doesn't follow me throughout the rest of the day. Cheers.