Mumbles, Musings and Mothering

It kind of feels like things are back to normal.

Today was a typical day for me, a short nap so I didn't have to watch the clock so closely, a little bit of soaps, some cleaning and I am pretty sure I am going to make those butterscotch cookies I said I wanted to make. The hubby is at work, along with the houseguest (they started him out making two dollars more an hour then they started the hubby at, suppose it's the five year difference?)

People have been dropping by every day, especially in the evening. Last night it was Tall that joined us in video games, dinner and smoking. Yes he and Sassy have separated, it even sounds like she is packing up her stuff and moving, and even with her texting him every two minutes, he was so much more the Tall we have always known then the one she had been turning him into. Sassy even texted me last night, saying she was at a party that she shouldn't be at and she could stop thinking of her boyfriend because he cheated on her and wanted advice. Everything I responded with, I said before. If you can't forgive him then you've answered your own question. You know he is a good guy who fucked up, not a fuck up pretending to be a good guy. If you can't find it in yourself to trust him, why are you trying to be with him? It's not fair to either of you. I told her she was too young to figure out "together forever" and that she was eighteen, enjoy it.

One of the weirdest conversations to have with another girl by the way, is about not liking girls. What's great is when they agree with you. Sassy is such a teenage girl, chances are she still will be for several years to come. It still annoys me to no end that she complains about her rich parents never helping her. Her parents pay her rent and for her schooling. What she is actually complaining about is that they won't give her a car and pay for her insurance. I kept telling her it's actually better that she do it on her own.

My mom gave me her old piece of shit car and paid my insurance for years. She also guilted me about it every chance she got. She held that power over my head and I felt it constantly. Over two years ago the car my mom gave me died, (while I was driving, god I hate that.) We went several months without a car before we bought one all on our own for three hundred dollars. A guy the hubby worked with was moving back to Mexico and needed cash more then a car he couldn't take with. We were able to make payments, it was awesome. We were even responsible about it, besides bringing the car home, we didn't drive it again until we were driving down to the insurance agent to buy our own insurance. (The agent gave us permission to do so, heh.) Paid for all by ourselves, having nothing to do with my mom. It was the last thing she could hold over me. It felt great to finally look up and instead of seeing her brooding above me, I saw blue skies.

Sassy doesn't get it, she doesn't even want to get it. She feels she deserves to be spoiled and pampered and that her family should give her money simply because they have it. I have an aunt living the good life in Aspen, and taking trips to the Italian Alps, do you see me with my hand out? Nope. If my family wants to share their wealth, they do and I thank them for it, hence our pending trip to California, but I didn't ask for it and I wouldn't ask for it. I take satisfaction in knowing we can live on our own without the aid of parents paying our rent or something, even though I wouldn't turn down help if it was offered. It's a fine line, and I guess it isn't for everyone.

I wish I had a big huge house (that I could afford mind you) with a bunch of extra rooms. We could start our family and not worry about the space, but also be able to help out people like our houseguest who need a place to stay. I want to be like Kitty from That 70's show, have a place where people can come and feel comfortable and if need be we can make room for a stray. (Except unlike Kitty, I'd probably be hosting the circle, not oblivious to it.) I like having people around. I think this is just my biological clock ticking in my ear, I want kids. It sounds weird, but I want the control that comes with being a parent. When kids are young, you can kiss their boo boos, make everything okay and send them on their way to play again. With teenagers and adults, you can give them as much advice as you want, but it's up to them to actually act on it. I feel like my kids are grown and I've just missed out on those younger more impressionable years where everything was easy. I am too young to feel that way. I think I need my own kids to push my mothering impulses on because with my friends, not only are they too old to be mothered, but most of them have their own mother's filling that position.

It's scary seeing my mom in myself. This whole "mothering" issue is directly from her. I've seen it in action. My mom has always worked with a bunch of guys, truck drivers, mechanics, that type of things. Always giving advice (not always her strong suit, but oh well) and being mindful of the little things like whether or not they've had lunch or whatever. So often she has sarcastically been called mom by someone other then me, it's strange. Apparently not so strange though because I haven't been able to divert myself from the same behavior. God help me, I am becoming my mother. The worst part? I think I'm getting her laugh.

I hope Tall enjoys this time away from Sassy. I love the guy (not like that, believe me, he's not my type) and he's almost twenty one and he deserves to enjoy it. His past two relationships have progressed to "together forever" way quicker then they should have, causing his interest to dwindle out of fear, however he's unwilling to do anything about it when it gets to that point. I'm not sure if it's the nice guy in him or the fear of confrontation. Which is why the try, try again mentality is applied. Neither of them are in a place in their lives where they need to worry about that. They don't even know what they are going to school for, why should they assume that they want to know who they want to spend the rest of their life with?

Guys mainly, are skiddish when it comes to commitment (mainly, girls are not excluded from this generalization) and you make it real with talk of a ring and kids and the colors of the flowers for the wedding and most likely the guy will be at least screaming inside his own head if not running for the nearest bus station. Most girls try to move so fast, like everything is about this ultimate goal that you have to accomplish before the other girls do.

My advice? Take the time to enjoy it, to enjoy the other person, to enjoy who you are with them. Even if it isn't together forever, it doesn't have to be something you regret. Learn something for goodness sakes! People are fucking complicated, embrace it! Even if it ends, take something good from it. Stop worrying about the what ifs and the far future long enough to not miss it. It's hard to coexist, just stop making it harder then it has to be. I think I should paste this on my forehead, maybe it would be clearer to the people I constantly repeat it too.

I'm just going to take this moment to say I love my hubby. While we were still trying to figure out who we were, we were lucky enough to be moving in the same direction together and wanted to embrace who we were becoming. I fell in love with him, not who I thought I could turn him into, and whatever changes the future put us through, I still wanted it to be with him rather then without him. We were lucky, I know it and I say it often. Neither of us are the same person we were when we met.

Back then we were both in high school, him dealing with the monotony that school had become to him and me dealing with the social graces of a swarm of bitches. We progressed, he left school, I left my social group, it was after that we finally got together. He had already gained the independence I was struggling for with my mom and in a way he gave me the confidence to keep up the good fight. We moved out of our mother's homes and into an apartment together. Yes we had problems, everyone did, especially with the transition to living together, it's not easy. We made our way through it and you know, we actually liked who we were becoming with each other. We were (are) stronger together. We make each other strong. The idea of marriage was toyed with, but I was in no rush and felt no urge to rush him. The idea of kids was toyed with, I think I'm what made him want kids, because he used to say he didn't like kids, and then it was "other people's" kids he didn't like, and now... now he is looking forward to having kids, with me. After we had gotten engaged (it was all very unofficial) it was probably a year and a half before we finally headed down to the court house.

You know how I know it was the right decision? We were in a place that it didn't change anything but my last name. We were already that married couple who were planning and living a life together. I'm not talking about sex. If you want to wait until marriage to have sex, more power to you, but personally, wouldn't that be a horrible way to find out you were incompatible? And learning to live together could be detrimental to any relationship as well. I'm glad we went through all that before we added the ring that implied forever.

Speaking of sex! Wow, completely off topic and probably WAY too much information, with the houseguest here, the hubby and I haven't been "intimate" in over a week. Who ever said that girls don't have needs too was a fucking liar. Ha!

Well, I had better wrap this up, it would probably be slightly embarrassing if the hubby and houseguest got home while I was chatting about the naked samba. Plus I still haven't made those damn cookies yet, sheesh. Blogger, the ultimate time waster!